eide: a knitted mesh (Default)
i've not used this journal in ages (i've been writing in our/my passing-as-a-singular-personality journal and haven't even been great at keeping that up though i read my flist everyday (except on the rare occasions that we're marooned away from WiFi)). But i want to keep it - so like (almost) everyone else i'm migrating to DW.
If anyone is still reading this i'll see you on the flip-side ...
eide: a knitted mesh (Default)
the Littles generally call my partners "Aunty" (yes, even the very blokey one) and obviously the partners call them back by their name (occasionally they aren't clear which Little it is and have to ask but it's usually reasonably obvious*)
But i hadn't thought, until just now when i needed to write something, of what's the right descriptive word for their relationship. In-System-neicelings was my not-very-satisfactory temporary solution but it doesn't really sound right.
Any suggestions?

We use Meta-baby/meta-Small for the poly-molecule (chronological) children so that isn't usable for this


*this is why we are slightly obsessive about signing texts because you can't always be obvious i that few charterers - though [personal profile] dwoucke and [personal profile] judiff both have fairly idiosyncratic spelling and phraseology
eide: a knitted mesh (Default)
i should prolly start a series called "minor problems of being plural"
one f which is that if one of you gets earwormed you all suffer. Today most of my thoughts processes have been interrupted at regular intervals but [personal profile] dwoucke singing her own special version of the Ghostbusters theme - "i ain't afraid of no goat"
eide: a knitted mesh (Default)
the problem with a system member choosing a family nickname as their personal name us that any time a family member uses that name for us that system member will come out.
And sometimes it's just not appropriate having an 8 year old talking to people or answering emails when we're supposed to be a singular grown-up...
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i like the BiCon Ball theme of 20's and 30'sness.
Our body-shape suits flapper style dresses and that's prolly what we'll end up weaering ('ve been doimng some minor resarch on 1920's knitting patterns too these jumpers look interesting).
It's also making Youthworker think about her ideal style. She;'s not really intom thingsking about exterbeal things (she's more of a fragment than a whole person with likes and dislaikes anyway) but she's always had this image of her self as what we think of a 1920's lesbian (but might historcally be more acaturately early 30's) with a tight satin shirt and strictly tailored trousers, very short hair slicked back, deep red lipstick, maybe even with an elegant ciggerette held in her long, elegant fimngers (if we lived uin a univsere where that wouldn't instantly make us stop breathing or have horible long term heralth consquwnces.) It's her one bit of not-being-in-youthworker mode and it's very opersinsatnt.
Its a shame we don't realy have tghe body-shape (or the poise and elgance and genralli non-dyspraxicness) to pull it off ..
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Locket came out for a minute or two at Brighton Pride which was odd - she's not been around much lately and hasn't been out in ages(it was potentially predictable because she came out when she saw some "little gay doggys" - she loves little gay doggys and it's helped the us get her to be slightly more accepting/less worried she'll go to hell because of us being queer. Because God obviously loves the little gay doggys so just maybe it's possible that God doesn't totally hate gay etc humans too*)
Only [livejournal.com profile] softfruit and [livejournal.com profile] plumsbitch where around which was good because it meant our switching didn't freak out any stall goers. But [livejournal.com profile] softfruit had never met Locket before and [livejournal.com profile] plumsbitch had only seen her very very briefly once (do other plurals have nervousness about when their special-outside-people are going to meet all their system members? Specially the more challenging ones?).
And we'd forgotten to mention that Locket doesn't/finds it very difficult to use the bodies left arm so they were a bit worried we'd hurt ourselves somehow. Do other people know that already? I don't know why she doesn't but it's a very good marker for her being out. She came outs suddenly once when we were ice-skating and we ended up swerving abruptly!


* Locket's understanding of God is almost plural - here's the scary judgemental thunderbolt-throwing beard in the sky ([livejournal.com profile] judiff says what else do you expect from someone with a beard!) and the nice rather lonely old man who makes soup - which is the universe, and sits her on his lap to tell stories, loves cats and is sad rather than angry when he humans ignore what he tells them about being good to each other
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We broke Beth's Mug today.
It's the last of the set of mugs we got for all of us way back when we were first becoming selves-aware. In late 1994 or early 1995 (that seems like forever!)
Beth is one of the people who has faded away so it's not like she's going to be fussed about not having a specific mug. But it still makes us feel sad.

And i'm still wondering if any of the faded away people will ever come back?
It's scary losing people - what if other people go? What if i do? What if we all do? (could that ever happen?)
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Today was slightly odd (and interesting) because someone who we thought already knew that we're multiple and in the same system as [livejournal.com profile] judiff just worked it out. (I'm not planning to identify them in a public post but they are someone i feel entirely comfortable being out to)
It's made me think about whether i should be more out about it. The obvious worry is that people will think i/we are mad because we're plural (or as a lot of people will say because we "feel like/think" we're plural*). But we are mad - the full signed of work indefinitely/on DLA/having a lots of interesting diagnosis etc mental and it's hardly a secret. So does it mater what people think?
As far as any of us can tell being multiple is one of the least mad things about us. It's just a thing that is - like having straight hair or needing glasses. I think (for us if not for other systems) it has something to do with the spectrumness and central coherence etc but i'm not sure it matters where it comes from so much as that it's part where we are now.

A lot of people get plurality wrong. A lot of people prolly would discount us because of it. It's different somehow to more respectable types of mad like depression or PTSD. And it's not like we yet another reason to not fit in/be seen as weird.
Even people who say they get it don't always actually seem to.

Having to hide any part of your life is always spoon-depleting and difficult.

I'd like a safe way to test the waters a bit around people's attitudes but i can't think of a workable way to do that.


* like people have said about our PVFS/chronic fatigue and way back even about our dyslexia
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this was just sooo perfect (though it should include [livejournal.com profile] dwoucke and the others too) but of course she'd never put a thing like that on her journal:

If you wanna be my lover,
you gotta get with my judiff.

Which song was this lyric from?

Get your own lyrics:
eide: a knitted mesh (Default)
[livejournal.com profile] judiff wrote a little in her DeadJournal about ageplay. We all find it incredibly squicky. And she was upset about ageplayers using words like "littles" which we think of as plurality words.
I'm really not wanting to know about ageplay either but i'm worried this could turn into one of those warms like between multiples and soul-bonders. Or the one between Trans people and Cross Dresers (which i only see from the outside but which impacts on people i care about). So maybe there needs to be some communication between the two communitys?

So i'm noddling some possible questions

Are there people who do both? Are the differences as clear as they seem to be in my head
Do we mean the same things by words like "littles" and "bigs"?
How can we not offend or insult each other?
How can we clear up any confusion from people within either community or outside it about which we are?

What else do we need to be asking each other?

I'm not really expecting anyone tcome up with any answers - at least not yet but where can we start with this?
eide: a knitted mesh (Default)
you know when you say to a partner that you are feeling "a bit switchy" it's useful if they know whether you mean it in a plurality context or a BDSM one!
eide: a knitted mesh (Default)
i've just had a bit of a "friends" adding spree - but only of people who are already on at least one of our other freindslists. I don't acatully write here much but i thoughts you might like to be seeing the bigger picture. If you're confused there's a locked who's who post here
We've acatully been quite mid-continum and blended lateley. And i've proly been out a bit more than the othes when we have been being seperate - i don't know why that it because we've already extablised that although it's best i do the "grown-up things" it isn't good if i end up trying to run everything - i need the others.
I think we've also been very obvoiusly outwardly "autistic" lately - particuliary at bicon which was a bit of a flap-fest. I don't know if there's any connection between the two.

memorys

Jan. 24th, 2007 07:09 pm
eide: a knitted mesh (Default)
there was an intresting programme about early child hood memory on radio 4 this morning (because we didn't go to london because of the snow that meant we had to be away and vaugley respectable looking for the house-viewing peple so we couldn't just go back to bed and sleep like we wanted to). And heres so more deatials about childhood amnesia" (stupid name) and PTSD (which is one of our growing pile of diagnosiss) and the importance of being able to forget but don't bother reading the comments - they aren't acatully intresting or useful and i realy don't know why people have bothered to make them). It would be more useful for us if there was some dicussion of neuro-diversty (does speaking late make verbal holding of memories more or less important? And what about having non-verbal leraning disability? If the brain is like a computer what does it meanto have learge sections of the wiring (white mater) missing?)) and obvuoisly theres nothing about pluraility.
We've been having some intresting and difficult thoughts, which i don't have time or the enegy to write about now. But it seems that quite early emtional an sensory memories which get constantly re-rember aquire a shell of verbal memroy which can then be recalled verbally. But if they are form before the time the memoriee has the capaicty to out words around their experences they are kind f floaty an imcopmlete and lacking in imporant deatil. Sio maybe that goes someway to answering [livejournal.com profile] conflux's question/statent of confusion (which is very obvious and i wish we could answer it)
"If somthing like that happened surely you'd be able to remember it?
eide: a knitted mesh (mesh)
i'm somewhat worried we are going to get seriously mad again. But it hasn't happend yet which is good. There's even been happyness happening which is quite unusal really (big thankyous to the-happynes-making-people, hopefuly you know who you are).

Right now i feel like i need to piont out that our plurality is prolly one of the most functional things about us. We do a lot better as a team than any of us would seperately.
It's annoying sometimes to be both mad and plural because people assume they must be linked. I think our tendancey to dissosiate is linked to the PTSD but it's also to do with our autistic spectrum stuff (there's a side rant here about how growing up in the NT world and being forced to be as NT as possible is inherently traumatic for a spectrum person even if they don't experence the regular varitey of abusive stuff). And our pluraility does have soemthing to do with disosation even if it doesn't for other systems. But even allowing for that it's still the least mad thing about us (and anyway disatation is often quite sensible it's only madness if it gets out of control and habitual).
I couldn't do the stuff that i do on my own. I couldn't manage without [livejournal.com profile] judiff - she's got so much more motivation and determination than me. And i love the other kids too - so i can do looking after them far better than i can do looking after myeslf. And looking after them means doing some looking after myself stuff which is a bonus (i don't know how to do loving myself, i don't think i'm particularly loveable, and i can end up not doing any looking after myself stuff which tends to get messy in the long run).
I really hope the others never disapear like [livejournal.com profile] maisiemousie etc did.
I know [livejournal.com profile] judiff find me very annoying at times and it's quite difficult for me to out up with her stompyness. But i love her and i need her (it's ok to be co-dependant on system-mates isn't it?) and i think she's great (and i would say she was extreamly cool only me calling someone/thing cool prolly makes them uncool!). And the other kids are just lovely.
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being told the dress code is "anything that's you" can be quite complicated when you is a system!
I think it would be best if i could make the decison on this partciliar occasion but some of the others have very loud voices.
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in my singlular persepctive journal i've started a sex and relationships strand/filter but of course with it being in my singular perspective journal i can never write about how being part of a multiple system effects (affects? i always get confused about which of those two words to use when) sex and relationships. And of course it does a big lot. I don't have the time or the engergy to write about it now rither but i just wanted to flag up that is was something i'm thinking about and need to disscuss with (outside) people (we're already discussing it internally quite a lot!).
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we just had a youthworker moment. Not being a youth worker but the bit of us that we call youthworker breifly showed up. She's kind of a part of me and not a fully sperate person but she's more than just me - does that make any sence? I guess she and i are kind of mid-contiumum. We were typeing (an lj commnet to [livejournal.com profile] faerierhona) and suddely we where typing much more fluently than noraml and with fewer mistakes and we felt like how we used to feel when youthworker was fronting. It was nice, we haven't felt her in ages, but very brief (i'm back to making loads of mistakes now and having to correct very second or third word i type!). I don't know why she showed up. And i don't know if this means we'll be seeing her again anytime soon.
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i don't write here enough. Actually i don't write in my main suingular persepctive journal enough either). But i wanted to say something postive about being multiple.
I'm feel rather flat at the momnet. I'm not sure why, theres nothing i'm partiuclary uspet about although the cold weather and being glandy certainly doesn't help. I could very easly have stayed in bed all day today and done nothing. But that wouldn't be fair on the others, there are all kids and rely on me doing "the grown up stuff" that enables us to get by. And so i did get up and do a few things for their sake - i really don't think i would have been motivated enough without them.
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I was mostly unimpressed with "Being Pamela" - it was all about trauma and i didn't like the aproach of her care team at all they seemed to want her not to have any feelings and to squash the other system people.
But it had some good(ish) points - it was intresting to see a system with learnig disablites because all to often we get told multplicity is the result of an over-active imagination in highly intelligent people or are created through therapy (it seemmed like Pamela etc. hardly had any therapy before her mutliplicty was noticed). The nature of their disabilites seemed to mean that a lot of comincation that would happen internally with us was external for them which prolly made for better tv (although if veiwers weren't used to people with learning disabilites that prolly added to the freakshow aspect which is not good).
And i did understand their carers wanting to keep kids inside while they were in a potentially unsafe public space (the airport) - but that's not a good reason to keep them inside at home.
I liked the thrapist recognising that dissostation is a sensible response to trauma, especailly when you are very young or otherwise powerless to fight or flee (obviously that only applies to systems who do dissosate but as we do it's nice to see it protayed as a sane thing - which can get out of control - rather than as something bizzare).

While we disagred with a lot that Pamela's care team did and said it's unfortuantly true that they prolly did still provide the system with better care than they would get in an institution where they would most likley be sedated 24/7.

In terms of explining non-disorderd mulitplicty (especailly in systems that haven't been shaped by trauma, let alone not being created by trauma) the documentary was spectuaculary unhelpful
eide: a knitted mesh (Default)
there's going to be a documentry about mulitplicty tonight on channel 4. But it sounds like it's totally about the trauma model (and in a very extreme way). So it may not be very helpful and possibley counter-productive in explaing to people what we are like.

I supose we'll just have to wacth it and see
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